How do you know it’s the end? How do you know it’s a new beginning? How do you know?
The death of a relationship is complex. When you’ve invested your heart, when you’ve bared your soul to someone, how do you suddenly stop? When your times were filled with endless laughter, when your beings were soothed by each other’s presence, how do you press the pause button and wait for the other to come back? When your routine involves a consistency, and the other decides to check out, how do you know if the magic will still be there the next time?
There are people who you can trust and have the assurance of a lifelong friendship. These people may be far, they may not be physically present. But your souls have been intertwined for life. Your hearts have been taken and kept in theirs. They treasure you as much as you do them. You finally see each other and there’s nothing but laughter, warm hugs, and loving glances. You have good memories of the past, and you create even better memories for the future.
Then there are people beside you, always with you. But you never know where you stand with them. Or you thought you knew, and then things change. Without a known reason. With no warning. With no provocation. And it makes you question life. It makes you wonder how much of your heart to open up again. How do you share your deepest pains and utmost joys to someone and then suddenly leave? How does one decide to love today and be indifferent tomorrow?
When life presents me with the end, an unexplainable end, my soul shatters. I am sad, I am nerved. I feel afraid, and I feel angry. When my conscience is clear, and my heart is pure, damning whispers and tempestuous lies seek to break me. When I care deeply and the other is careless, my being is shaken. And I hide: My heart cannot take another heartbreak. My open heart cannot bear another closed off door. The mind fucks, the on and offs, the judging eyes. I am sick of it all.
There is nothing good in the end. It takes my frail heart and crushes it. There is nothing good left in the end. It takes my soul to a dark and lonely place. An inevitable hole of numbness and ugliness.
So where do I go after the end? Where do I find a new beginning? It is easy for me to wander. In the hellhole. Indulge. In self-pity and self-doubt. And withdraw. Put on the brakes. Rest my weary heart. The hard part is the healing, to hold my head and heart higher than the forces that seek to put me down. To forge on, despite the ebbs and flows. Even as I now lay low and still, I must still go forth. To conquer the lies and seek souls of truth and integrity. To fight the temporary highs and find a real and lasting love. To be the light at the end of a hard long dark tunnel. To find peace in the end of an unworthy presence, and see clarity in the beginning of me.
In the more poetic words of Kesha/ Praying —
“You bought the flames and you put me to through hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself. And we both know all the truth I could tell, I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell.”