Flawed Fem

My Flawed Life as a Mother, Sister, and Daughter -To my Family, With fellow women, & In Christ.


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The Day I Tried To Live: of Zombies, Papercuts, and a Black Hole Sun

It’s been a few hours. I was starting to form beads of sweat. I wore my cotton tank and cropped jeans so I can move freely. Even then my muscles were starting to get sore. But I didn’t mind. I was in front of the line. I was going to see up close the woman whose haunting voice has enthralled me for years. We are close in age but her wisdom and life stories far exceeds mine. She, who woke me with her unique feminism: Her beauty is non conforming, with a pixie cut and piercings. She sings of politics, love and loss with such fierce honesty. I touched my newly pierced ears. I have 9, one shy of hers. I am in deep adoration.

#DoloresORiordan @thecranberries


I see this red haired fiery human being scream his head off, and all I hear is passion and pain. His words are mad, tragic, and hopeful. In my angst he was the voice that reflects the complexity of my emotions. In his songs I see a poetic mirror of my roller coaster journey. He belts away and releases  my anger and sadness and seemingly unending frustrations. In him I vent.

@ChesterBe #MakeChesterProud #OneMoreLight


My first. My inspiration. My inner sanctum. He didn’t introduce me to rock (that was the Rose), but he became my Rock. His words are magically created and moves me so to make my own. He took my pain and poetry to another level, and while the raw grit unraveled me, it freed my soul. He was perfect. Not in his flawlessness, because he was anything but. His beauty lies in his naked vulnerability and his ability to move my pain with his wails and sad eyes. He transcends my tragedy.

@ChrisCornellOfficial #KeepThePromise


Three lights of my life. Three tragic endings. While they helped me live, their own pain they could not overcome. Though I’ve seen them, I don’t know them, and they have no idea of my existence. But the kinship I feel, is the bond of our lamentations and our fervent hopes for happy endings. And whilst their journey ended in darkness and pain, I forge on. I draw from the power of their hopes and live. I draw from the supernatural power of a fourth light- the Ultimate Light- to fill my heart with unexplainable peace and a strong force of lightness. If I am to pay tribute to my vocal and poetic warriors, I take their torment and release it. I honor their hopes and live it. In life, and in death, I keep them with me. I will keep their hearts alive with my passion, and survive the light that their legacy deserves.

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Wonder (Belief Series 3)

Wonder-(noun) a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable.
A most desirable feeling. And yet a most elusive one. Especially for grown-ups. The irony of growing up and seeing more of life makes us appreciate less of it. When did we lose the wonder of discovery, of new life? When did we lose the joy of creation and play?

Wonder is intertwined with faith and belief. As one builds up one’s faith to believe, wonder allows us to smile through our faith. It lightens the load of our struggles. It makes faith and life a joyous experience, one filled with light and love and magic. Wonder eases the pain, and it turns a gloomy soul into a heart filled with unexpected giddiness. While faith promises a better future, wonder makes joy happen now.

When does wonder starts? The age of discovery is heightened by year 2 of life. While the tantrums and emotions also run high, the senses are awakened to the beauty of life- the raindrops on tree leaves, the rough edges of the grasses, the magic of ovens making sweet and spice and everything nice– the list never ends. It is a perennially wondrous journey of awe inspiring life, and laughter fills your days and nights: While the rest of the world toils in endless labor, the eyes of wonder sees things through a bright light. While we moan and groan at the daily offenses we face, the heart of wonder sees the miracle of each day, and looks forward to the magic of tomorrow.

And as I am inspired by the faith of one child, I am in awe of the wonder of my other. While it is easy for me to be held down by the challenges of a stay at home mom, my child’s endless smiles force me to join in the silly laughter of the mundane. While it is second nature for my strong mind to resist and resent, my creative tot enables me to look outside the box, to  view the world in the eyes of  wonder and guts– he sees puddles as not dirt, but waters that tickle the feet. Heights and rocks he does not fear, they are wonders of nature for him to climb and enjoy.  His view of wonder and courage enlightens and emboldens my own, and I can’t help but start to see the soothing calm of the dark and look beyond the shadows of doubts and fears.

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I am blessed with the faith and wonder of my children. God gifted me with these two amazingly beautiful souls to enable me to begin and believe. As I lay with them and look into their little faces, I am overcome by their peace. I am inspired by their laughing spirit. I am moved by the simple joy of their giant hearts. In all my tragic and sad endings, I find hope in my new happy beginnings.  And while my never after continues to haunt me, I find solace in the love of the ones whose faith and wonder pushes me to BELIEVE in my happily ever after.


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Faith (Belief Series 2)

Faith is a funny word. It is an intangible. For someone visual like me, it is a hard concept to grasp. And as an adult, our experiences have made us cynical unbelievers. I find that the innocence and purity of children make them the best advocates of truth and faith. Children’s faith are unequivocal. They are the most beautiful valuable thing you’ve ever seen. Their faith surpasses darkness. It overcomes doubts. It even survives tragedies and conflicts. It is the most amazing most wondrous thing.

How many times have I seen my child and his friends get into disagreements, or hurt each other, and while they may get upset, cry, shout, get mad at each other, the eventual effect is one of forgiveness. I have seen my child with the biggest heart make one bully his friend this year. And how the bully was won over by a boy who saw his jealousy and responded with understanding. Who saw his fear of being left behind, and the boy, my boy, opened himself up and instead of competing, made a new friend instead. How my boy decided to have faith in love and let go of the pain his adversary has caused.

And where I am most guilty, where I can hurt my most sensitive boy with a dismissive wave or an angry yell, he responds with a quiet sadness. Then a calm word with me. Where he expresses unwavering faith in my love, in the goodness of his family. Even when some family shows a voice of force, he responds with a voice of faith. Even when he gets really really annoyed in the beginning, and he most often shows his pain, he gets to a state of introspection, and in this state, he has hope. He has faith.

Faith belies the age. Maturity does not depend on one’s living days. For I have seen my young child a better person than his parents, his elders. I have seen more faith and a capacity to love in him than in grown men &women who are clouded in resentment and anger with the world. And if we all can learn from the faith of a child, maybe, just maybe, this world’s darkness can become light. Maybe, just maybe, wars will be nonexistent, people will aim to love than hurt, and life will be much less complicated, and much more filled with pure joy and contentment. In this world filled with a dark cloud and a most divided people, I want to be like a child. I want his simple, unconditional, hopeful heart. I want his Faith.

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Belief

Being an avid fan of Once Upon A Time, I am very hesitant that they decided to continue the series with a brand new story, new cast. I was afraid it will look unrecognizable and unrelatable to me. But I didn’t want to just leave, I wanted to see for myself. After watching the first episode though, it seemed like my worries were for naught. New storyline it may be, but the heart and soul remains the same.
(Quote Credit: this post will be peppered with OUAT quotes from the season premiere;)

This season’s theme is Belief. And my life right now definitely needs that.. Crossroads. Light vs. darkness. Uncertainties. Puzzles. Missing pieces. It’s easy for me to retreat, sit back, give up. The temptation is strong to let go of all things, good and bad. But, “Just because life isn’t what you want it to be right now, doesn’t mean you should tear it down (OUAT)” I have a good home, I have wonderful beautiful kids. I have an amazing set of earthly parents and an impossibly super loving spiritual Father. They need to be my strength right now. I need to allow their light to shine in me, to be engulfed in their beauty. Instead of looking for my perfect life, I just have to start living it. “A story doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to start (OUAT)”

Just because life doesn’t look like what I envision it to be, doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful. Just because it is new, with strange new people and unforeseen circumstances, doesn’t mean I have to stay in the shadows. Superunknowns are extremely frightening to me, especially when they start out rocky and filled with unintentional evil. A new beginning doesn’t reveal the happy ending now, “the first step to a new beginning is imagining that one is even possible (OUAT)” If I want my happy ending, it’s not a matter of time, it’s a matter of perspective. It’s not about my dreams, but the visions of the larger picture, of a Higher Force greater than me, more magnificent than I can imagine. It is about love. It is about faith. And it all starts here. It all starts with Belief.

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The End

How do you know it’s the end? How do you know it’s a new beginning? How do you know?

The death of a relationship is complex. When you’ve invested your heart, when you’ve bared your soul to someone, how do you suddenly stop? When your times were filled with endless laughter, when your beings were soothed by each other’s presence, how do you press the pause button and wait for the other to come back? When your routine involves a consistency, and the other decides to check out, how do you know if the magic will still be there the next time?

There are people who you can trust and have the assurance of a lifelong friendship. These people may be far, they may not be physically present. But your souls have been intertwined for life. Your hearts have been taken and kept in theirs. They treasure you as much as you do them. You finally see each other and there’s nothing but laughter, warm hugs, and loving glances. You have good memories of the past, and you create even better memories for the future.

Then there are people beside you, always with you. But you never know where you stand with them. Or you thought you knew, and then things change. Without a known reason. With no warning. With no provocation. And it makes you question life. It makes you wonder how much of your heart to open up again. How do you share your deepest pains and utmost joys to someone and then suddenly leave? How does one decide to love today and be indifferent tomorrow?

When life presents me with the end, an unexplainable end, my soul shatters. I am sad, I am nerved. I feel afraid, and I feel angry. When my conscience is clear, and my heart is pure, damning whispers and tempestuous lies seek to break me. When I care deeply and the other is careless, my being is shaken. And I hide: My heart cannot take another heartbreak. My open heart cannot bear another closed off door. The mind fucks, the on and offs, the judging eyes. I am sick of it all.

There is nothing good in the end. It takes my frail heart and crushes it. There is nothing good left in the end. It takes my soul to a dark and lonely place. An inevitable hole of numbness and ugliness.

So where do I go after the end? Where do I find a new beginning? It is easy for me to wander. In the hellhole. Indulge. In self-pity and self-doubt. And withdraw. Put on the brakes. Rest my weary heart. The hard part is the healing, to hold my head and heart higher than the forces that seek to put me down. To forge on, despite the ebbs and flows. Even as I now lay low and still, I must still go forth. To conquer the lies and seek souls of truth and integrity. To fight the temporary highs and find a real and lasting love. To be the light at the end of a hard long dark tunnel. To find peace in the end of an unworthy presence, and see clarity in the beginning of me.

~o~

In the more poetic words of Kesha/ Praying —

You bought the flames and you put me to through hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself. And we both know all the truth I could tell, I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell.”prayingkesha

 

 

 

 

 


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HIatus

I was in a writing hiatus for several reasons. There’s the physical- the sleep deprivation from a toddler’s sleep regression; the return of migraines over the season, and unpredictable summer plans. Then there’s the emotional- tragic news that hit me hard; and deep-seated conflicts that hit me harder. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement: I was drained, exhausted, and broken. To say I had writer’s block would be an easy excuse, the reality is that was only a part of the truth. It is true I couldn’t write, but I could not write because I had no energy to write. And it did not stem from not knowing what to write. It’s quite the opposite: it’s from having too many issues that makes it hard to know what to release and what to hold close and private.

If I’ve stated this in earlier posts, please excuse the redundancy. Even as I am all about
exposing my flaws and feminist ideas (hence the blog name;) I created this blog with a purpose of empowerment. I am careful not to throw dirt or throw shade just because I’m pissed. I will use my sadness to learn a lesson, I will use my rage to engage my passion. I will use my ugly disappointments and channel that energy to a beautiful art. That is the essence of this blog. And when I cannot find that light energy, I feel like I’m writing incomplete sentences. When all I have is doom and a seemingly inescapable hole, I could not bring myself to write dark thoughts and end it there. Even if I do not have a resolution, I feel this need to counter the darkness. Even if it’s a sliver, a miniscule glimpse of light, I’ll take it.

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And so therein lies my problem at this moment. Have I seen the light? There are days when I am hopeful, more days that I’m not. Am I any close to any resolution? The physical exhaustion is relatively easy to remedy. The mental part, not so much. Especially when the resolutions depend on others. When I am at several crossroads, and yet waiting for others take their own journeys and seeing if our paths are truly meant to continue together or apart- that is the struggle. When my heart is torn and confused, when my brain threatens to explode from too much possibilities, none of which are completely desirable. I am stuck. And it is neither all darkness or all light: it is part darkened and part enlightened, and it is a most confusing state to be in.

So where do I go from here? One thing I realized during my hiatus: I need to write. I miss it. My heart needed the release, my thoughts needed to be poured out. And if I am going to be true about my flawed life, well, here I am, naked in my future unknown. Some answers have not yet been revealed, some lessons have not yet been learned. But my heart is open, and my love is true. And wherever life takes me, I draw on the grace of God and the courage of me. And for now, that is enough.

 

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ALL HEART. Sparkly and all 😉

 

 


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Politically Incorrect: Outsider

An outsider, that’s what I am. A rebel since birth, an introspective. I question my beliefs, I affirm my morals. I love with passion, I fight injustice with a bleeding heart.  I am not part of the elite, I am not part of the “in crowd.” I have cupped the face of a few hardened souls, I have held the hands of one homeless too many. Yet as I have tried my damnest to  save lives, I feel helpless in the face of dangerous and dirty politics facing my two worlds. I love my people, but I’m afraid the people that I love has now turned to hate. Hate for their fellow sufferers. Hate for each others’ differences. Hate that has overpowered too many hearts and minds: where change and progress might have occurred, we are now clouded and painfully covered in hate.

I am no saint. I have fallen prey to hate and rage far too many times lately. It is hard for my feminist heart not be affected by misogyny, especially when such is expressed by the highest ruler of the lands. It is hard to sleep well at night when I know my fellow immigrants are being beaten, bullied, and deported due to a flawed immigration system. It breaks me to know that impoverished countrymen in my otherworld fall victim to the war on drugs, and that young potential minds have been wasted and killed in the crossfire. I feel defeated and helpless.blogpi

Yet…there can be hope. For I do not have a one sided view of these tragedies–

I do not blame anyone for wanting to make “America great again”  I understand seeking to improve the US economy, for tax and healthcare reforms. However, I do not believe they can be achieved by bigoted immigration laws and a tolerance for white supremacy. I do not believe in inequity and creating laws to make the richer rich and the poor worse off. There has to be a better way. The current POTUS was not elected by mere hate alone. He has touched upon the disillusion of many, and it is that disillusionment that needs to be addressed. Unfortunately, instead of turning the disheartened into positive changers, it has only increased the hate in their hearts. Hate that has turned to blame and loathing for others that do not look like them, hate that has blinded them to the plight of people similar to their own ancestors’ survival, hate that has made it near impossible to institute any real and logical change in the land of unlimited possibilities.  Yet I cannot react in hate. Hate begets hate, and it is a vicious never ending cycle that has put us in the predicament we are in now. Instead of responding in rage, I want to feel their rage and seek to help. Instead of hating them for hating me, I choose to love, and open myself to these people, so they can see me as more than an outsider, but part of this vast colorful country that we all choose to love and defend.

In my homeland, the war on drugs have taken its toll. Countless lives have been taken, and more will be. The latest victims are young teens, boys whose lives have been cut short by this bloody war. Do I believe it is the President’s fault? Do I believe the drug cartels are the ones killing each other off? Do I also think that the opposition may have a hand in this war? I DO NOT KNOW. Moreover, I also think those are the wrong questions to ask. The more important, meaningful question is how can we help the country alleviate itself of the drug problem? If we abhor the violence, what are we doing to help, really truly help the victims?  Violence makes me flinch. But I flinch even more at people spewing hate in the name of human rights. You do not care about human rights if you only care about the dead dealers/addicts and not the people killed by these dealers. You also cannot call yourself a true human rights advocate if you ignore the police arrogance/violence. You want justice and human rights? Then HELP. Donate to the rehab centers. Volunteer and give to the shelters. Do the hotline for abused women. Drug addiction is a true epidemic, believe me, I’ve seen it. It is a disease, that needs to be treated and prevented, not killed. Love him or hate him, Pres. Duterte has established many rehab centers and helped women in domestic cases. What have you done?

I am not here to convince you of my beliefs. I am not here to condemn anyone of their beliefs. But I am here to challenge you of your beliefs. Whether you are left or right, Yellow or DDS- that you stop seeking to be right, and seek to find unity and progress in our differences. That your beliefs pushes you to help- to build, not destroy; to lift and not to stomp on others.  I am using my pen (or phone) to exercise my power to lift you. I am using my meager savings to help those who need it more. Use yourself for others. That is the most powerful political statement one can ever make today.