Flawed Fem

My Flawed Life as a Mother, Sister, and Daughter -To my Family, With fellow women, & In Christ.


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Wonder (Belief Series 3)

Wonder-(noun) a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable.
A most desirable feeling. And yet a most elusive one. Especially for grown-ups. The irony of growing up and seeing more of life makes us appreciate less of it. When did we lose the wonder of discovery, of new life? When did we lose the joy of creation and play?

Wonder is intertwined with faith and belief. As one builds up one’s faith to believe, wonder allows us to smile through our faith. It lightens the load of our struggles. It makes faith and life a joyous experience, one filled with light and love and magic. Wonder eases the pain, and it turns a gloomy soul into a heart filled with unexpected giddiness. While faith promises a better future, wonder makes joy happen now.

When does wonder starts? The age of discovery is heightened by year 2 of life. While the tantrums and emotions also run high, the senses are awakened to the beauty of life- the raindrops on tree leaves, the rough edges of the grasses, the magic of ovens making sweet and spice and everything nice– the list never ends. It is a perennially wondrous journey of awe inspiring life, and laughter fills your days and nights: While the rest of the world toils in endless labor, the eyes of wonder sees things through a bright light. While we moan and groan at the daily offenses we face, the heart of wonder sees the miracle of each day, and looks forward to the magic of tomorrow.

And as I am inspired by the faith of one child, I am in awe of the wonder of my other. While it is easy for me to be held down by the challenges of a stay at home mom, my child’s endless smiles force me to join in the silly laughter of the mundane. While it is second nature for my strong mind to resist and resent, my creative tot enables me to look outside the box, to  view the world in the eyes of  wonder and guts– he sees puddles as not dirt, but waters that tickle the feet. Heights and rocks he does not fear, they are wonders of nature for him to climb and enjoy.  His view of wonder and courage enlightens and emboldens my own, and I can’t help but start to see the soothing calm of the dark and look beyond the shadows of doubts and fears.

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I am blessed with the faith and wonder of my children. God gifted me with these two amazingly beautiful souls to enable me to begin and believe. As I lay with them and look into their little faces, I am overcome by their peace. I am inspired by their laughing spirit. I am moved by the simple joy of their giant hearts. In all my tragic and sad endings, I find hope in my new happy beginnings.  And while my never after continues to haunt me, I find solace in the love of the ones whose faith and wonder pushes me to BELIEVE in my happily ever after.

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Faith (Belief Series 2)

Faith is a funny word. It is an intangible. For someone visual like me, it is a hard concept to grasp. And as an adult, our experiences have made us cynical unbelievers. I find that the innocence and purity of children make them the best advocates of truth and faith. Children’s faith are unequivocal. They are the most beautiful valuable thing you’ve ever seen. Their faith surpasses darkness. It overcomes doubts. It even survives tragedies and conflicts. It is the most amazing most wondrous thing.

How many times have I seen my child and his friends get into disagreements, or hurt each other, and while they may get upset, cry, shout, get mad at each other, the eventual effect is one of forgiveness. I have seen my child with the biggest heart make one bully his friend this year. And how the bully was won over by a boy who saw his jealousy and responded with understanding. Who saw his fear of being left behind, and the boy, my boy, opened himself up and instead of competing, made a new friend instead. How my boy decided to have faith in love and let go of the pain his adversary has caused.

And where I am most guilty, where I can hurt my most sensitive boy with a dismissive wave or an angry yell, he responds with a quiet sadness. Then a calm word with me. Where he expresses unwavering faith in my love, in the goodness of his family. Even when some family shows a voice of force, he responds with a voice of faith. Even when he gets really really annoyed in the beginning, and he most often shows his pain, he gets to a state of introspection, and in this state, he has hope. He has faith.

Faith belies the age. Maturity does not depend on one’s living days. For I have seen my young child a better person than his parents, his elders. I have seen more faith and a capacity to love in him than in grown men &women who are clouded in resentment and anger with the world. And if we all can learn from the faith of a child, maybe, just maybe, this world’s darkness can become light. Maybe, just maybe, wars will be nonexistent, people will aim to love than hurt, and life will be much less complicated, and much more filled with pure joy and contentment. In this world filled with a dark cloud and a most divided people, I want to be like a child. I want his simple, unconditional, hopeful heart. I want his Faith.

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Belief

Being an avid fan of Once Upon A Time, I am very hesitant that they decided to continue the series with a brand new story, new cast. I was afraid it will look unrecognizable and unrelatable to me. But I didn’t want to just leave, I wanted to see for myself. After watching the first episode though, it seemed like my worries were for naught. New storyline it may be, but the heart and soul remains the same.
(Quote Credit: this post will be peppered with OUAT quotes from the season premiere;)

This season’s theme is Belief. And my life right now definitely needs that.. Crossroads. Light vs. darkness. Uncertainties. Puzzles. Missing pieces. It’s easy for me to retreat, sit back, give up. The temptation is strong to let go of all things, good and bad. But, “Just because life isn’t what you want it to be right now, doesn’t mean you should tear it down (OUAT)” I have a good home, I have wonderful beautiful kids. I have an amazing set of earthly parents and an impossibly super loving spiritual Father. They need to be my strength right now. I need to allow their light to shine in me, to be engulfed in their beauty. Instead of looking for my perfect life, I just have to start living it. “A story doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to start (OUAT)”

Just because life doesn’t look like what I envision it to be, doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful. Just because it is new, with strange new people and unforeseen circumstances, doesn’t mean I have to stay in the shadows. Superunknowns are extremely frightening to me, especially when they start out rocky and filled with unintentional evil. A new beginning doesn’t reveal the happy ending now, “the first step to a new beginning is imagining that one is even possible (OUAT)” If I want my happy ending, it’s not a matter of time, it’s a matter of perspective. It’s not about my dreams, but the visions of the larger picture, of a Higher Force greater than me, more magnificent than I can imagine. It is about love. It is about faith. And it all starts here. It all starts with Belief.

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HIatus

I was in a writing hiatus for several reasons. There’s the physical- the sleep deprivation from a toddler’s sleep regression; the return of migraines over the season, and unpredictable summer plans. Then there’s the emotional- tragic news that hit me hard; and deep-seated conflicts that hit me harder. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement: I was drained, exhausted, and broken. To say I had writer’s block would be an easy excuse, the reality is that was only a part of the truth. It is true I couldn’t write, but I could not write because I had no energy to write. And it did not stem from not knowing what to write. It’s quite the opposite: it’s from having too many issues that makes it hard to know what to release and what to hold close and private.

If I’ve stated this in earlier posts, please excuse the redundancy. Even as I am all about
exposing my flaws and feminist ideas (hence the blog name;) I created this blog with a purpose of empowerment. I am careful not to throw dirt or throw shade just because I’m pissed. I will use my sadness to learn a lesson, I will use my rage to engage my passion. I will use my ugly disappointments and channel that energy to a beautiful art. That is the essence of this blog. And when I cannot find that light energy, I feel like I’m writing incomplete sentences. When all I have is doom and a seemingly inescapable hole, I could not bring myself to write dark thoughts and end it there. Even if I do not have a resolution, I feel this need to counter the darkness. Even if it’s a sliver, a miniscule glimpse of light, I’ll take it.

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And so therein lies my problem at this moment. Have I seen the light? There are days when I am hopeful, more days that I’m not. Am I any close to any resolution? The physical exhaustion is relatively easy to remedy. The mental part, not so much. Especially when the resolutions depend on others. When I am at several crossroads, and yet waiting for others take their own journeys and seeing if our paths are truly meant to continue together or apart- that is the struggle. When my heart is torn and confused, when my brain threatens to explode from too much possibilities, none of which are completely desirable. I am stuck. And it is neither all darkness or all light: it is part darkened and part enlightened, and it is a most confusing state to be in.

So where do I go from here? One thing I realized during my hiatus: I need to write. I miss it. My heart needed the release, my thoughts needed to be poured out. And if I am going to be true about my flawed life, well, here I am, naked in my future unknown. Some answers have not yet been revealed, some lessons have not yet been learned. But my heart is open, and my love is true. And wherever life takes me, I draw on the grace of God and the courage of me. And for now, that is enough.

 

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ALL HEART. Sparkly and all 😉

 

 


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My Babies’ Father

Let me be straight. If you are the type of guy who expects, nay, demands his wife and baby mama to cook and clean, and does nothing of the same, then do not waste both our times reading this post. This is not for you and you are not deserving of me. Even back in a land of tradition, I have always been the resistance. God bless her soul, but there was a time my exasperated grandma told me that I will not be able to find a husband because I cannot cook.  My response, I’ll find a cook/chef husband. Of course I was labeled a smart ass from then on, but that’s another story. Many years later, how do you think I fared with my baby daddy?..

 

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Father’s Day gift to Daddy Dark Lord  😉

 

When I met my now husband, one of the first things he did was cook for me. He made me oxtail soup which I would not have the patience to do (I specialize in 15 min meals:) He is also notoriously neat, he loves clean floors, so in submission to him, he is in charge of deep cleaning/ vacuuming in the house. Being a stay at home, I cook and clean more frequently. But it was never an imposition, it was never an order from the Husband Highness. It was a teamwork of chores, just as I have always envisioned marriage to be.
But baby daddy is more than just Mr. Clean. The birth of our kids brought out so much more…
~ He is man of service. Sometimes to a fault. While this can be a source of conflict in other areas, this is a much desired trait in the child rearing department. He is lovingly involved with our children’s lives: Lovingly changes diapers (!) Lovingly supports/his kids’ #1 sports fan. He can be Tiger Dad, but mostly because he really cares about our kids and wants what’s best for them.
~ He is sweet. Comforting and playful. His boys can never get enough of rough playing with him. His boys scream in glee every time he comes home, their adoration of him they can barely contain.
~ He is committed. To his kids. To his beloved boys. He spends time with them and cares for them so much. He tries so hard to understand them. And trust me, they can be a rambunctious pair. He tries to break free of traditional fear-based parenting. I know this doesn’t come easy to him, but he’s trying.

His heart is full. His love for his children boundless. He is all in. He is my love. He is their love. He is their #1 hero. I am proud to call him my babies’ father.


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M.O.M. (Mother series 3)

For a woman who loves herself least, and loves God and her family most. MOM.

She was a simple girl. She is a simple woman. A gentle soul who seeks to help others throughout her life: She was a beauty queen by chance and a star dancer by passion, and in both instances, it was her humility and kindness to her peers that made her so well loved.  She was a teacher who has so much compassion for her students/ children.  She was the oldest of 6 who stepped up to be her siblings’ caretaker when her father died early in life. She was the new wife who moved to the city and became her husband’s mother’s dutiful daughter, through the good and bad, caring for her in many sick and difficult times. She lived out God’s love and light, even through her own tears, even as her family struggled through finances and death.

She is most patient with her children, 4 unique souls, with distinct personalities, with different sets of challenges. She is not perfect, but amidst moments of frustration, she finds a way to transcend anger and show kindness. She seeks to understand us even as we misunderstand, dismiss her. She remains steady, even as we rebel, then and now. Her faith in us never wavers, her heart for us continues to beat strong in the storms. She never fails to teach us about God’s love, and how that defines her love for us.  She is our first glimpse of heaven, with all the comforts of an unconditional love.

Her goodness knows no bounds. She has a big heart for the downtrodden. She has a sincere empathy for the poor and disadvantaged. She is unusual in her ways as a boss, whether it’s in her workplace, or at home. Unusual because while her colleagues show a short fuse towards the less educated workers, she instead bears and teaches them skills. While other homeowners treat their help with contempt and high demands, she befriends them, and treats them as equals, as human beings deserving of basic rights and respect. Her goodness reflects her righteousness. She lives a life of integrity and value. She always tries to do the right thing, even if it causes her undue hardships. She will fight for her children, her mama bear instinct always seek to protect us from harm. She is simply a light force that shines beauty in dark realities.

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This is my mom. A woman of extraordinary beauty and light. Her open heart invites sharing life, and I cannot help but live for our chats, ranging from the mundane day to day, to the big ideas. She is my yoda, simple in her speeches, yet wise in her insights. Even as we relate differently now, in spite of conflicts in views, my relationship with  mom remains the most beautiful thing I have in life.  It is her sacrifices that gave me life choices.  It is her faith that pushed me to live my dreams.  It is her nurturing soul that has enabled me to live. So today, and for the rest of my fortunate life, I would like to live a life deserving of her sacrifices. I would like to honor her with my faithfulness, to protect her as she has held me, to comfort her as she has calmed me, and to pass on her Godly light to my own children. I would like to thank God every day for giving me her, and for giving me the highest honor of being called her child. Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

 

 

 


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My Other Mother (Mother Series Pt.1)

Mother’s Day. We celebrate motherhood in all its forms- birth mothers, adoptive mothers, foster mothers, fur mommies. But I would like to take this time to remember some unsung heroes, who are neither of the above. I would like to write in honor of my yaya for Mother’s Day, as a tribute to our caretakers, our nannies, our help. Those who may not have birthed us, nor formally took us in. But they take care of us as our mothers do, sometimes even more.

Everybody knows I love my mom. She is my best friend, my advisor, my teacher. She worked hard to provide for us financially and still be present for us emotionally and spiritually. Growing up, I was always amazed how this tiny woman would work 6 days a week, come home and cook our dinner, and tutor us after school. She also took the time to talk to us, really listen and know us. However, on those times she works late, we were left in the care of nannies or yayas.

Growing up, me and my 2 bros had the privilege of having the most loving, sweetest yaya in the world. We call her Manang Sili. (Side note: Sili means chili, she might have gotten that nickname because she loves spicy food, and she passed on that love of spicy food to all of us 🙂 Manang is our second mother, I still refer to her as my nanay-nanayan. To this day, my mother has nothing but fond memories of Manang. My mom beams with pride and loves telling me how Manang is a sage. Every time I ask my mom about baby advice, she would refer back to Manang, and would tell me how Manang has the best technique and has the best instinct on how to care and soothe babies. My mother never considered Manang as something less than her, or as her competition. My mother regards her as her partner in crime, her confidante. Manang was family.

My own memories of Manang was just as good. When I was little, my dad had to work late hours to provide for a growing family. But I was oblivious to our financial hardships because of Manang. She gave me a magical childhood. She instilled in me a love of nature, of climbing trees and resting by the waters. My fondest memories of early childhood was waking up at 5-6am, going to the bakery for the first batch of bread, pandesal, and playing by the coconut trees and the rocky shores of Manila Bay. Breakfast with Manang consists of said bread, chicharon doused in vinegar w.sili, and coconut drink or softdrinks (soda) in clear plastic bags. If I’m lucky, I get a balloon in the park before I go home.

As we grew older, we see less of Manang, as she had her own grandchildren to tend to. My youngest sibling, my sister, never got the honor of having her as her yaya, because Manang had a new grandchild at that time. Even though she wasn’t working for us anymore, she would still visit monthly and give us eggs and fruits from her family’s farm. But as I reached my teens, the visits became less and less. I heard that Manang worked in his son’s business full time. I heard that she finally mended her strained relationship with her daughter and lived near her. Much as I was happy that she got to live her life with her biological family, I missed her. And my mom did too. She started asking around her old neighborhood to find out where Manang now resides, but nobody really knew. And because we moved around as well, we lost touch with her. I felt the loss of her deeply. I would have happy dreams of her and her big laughs. I could feel her tight hugs and hear her loving whispers in times of sickness, reminiscent of when I was a sickly child, and her frail arms would cover mine for comfort. I may not be a sickly child or a crying toddler anymore, but I would always long for the sweet pure love of my Manang Sili.

Wherever she is, my only hope is that she is happy where she is, and that she knows how forever grateful we are to have her in our family. I hope she knows that I am beyond honored to call her not simply my yaya, but my beloved one. She was more than our help- she was our protector, she was our friend. She was like a second Mother to us… She was, and always will be, my other Mother.

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Manang Sili is a lover and giver of fruits. She has instilled the love of fruits in me, that I am now passing on to my own children~