I was in a writing hiatus for several reasons. There’s the physical- the sleep deprivation from a toddler’s sleep regression; the return of migraines over the season, and unpredictable summer plans. Then there’s the emotional- tragic news that hit me hard; and deep-seated conflicts that hit me harder. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement: I was drained, exhausted, and broken. To say I had writer’s block would be an easy excuse, the reality is that was only a part of the truth. It is true I couldn’t write, but I could not write because I had no energy to write. And it did not stem from not knowing what to write. It’s quite the opposite: it’s from having too many issues that makes it hard to know what to release and what to hold close and private.
If I’ve stated this in earlier posts, please excuse the redundancy. Even as I am all about
exposing my flaws and feminist ideas (hence the blog name;) I created this blog with a purpose of empowerment. I am careful not to throw dirt or throw shade just because I’m pissed. I will use my sadness to learn a lesson, I will use my rage to engage my passion. I will use my ugly disappointments and channel that energy to a beautiful art. That is the essence of this blog. And when I cannot find that light energy, I feel like I’m writing incomplete sentences. When all I have is doom and a seemingly inescapable hole, I could not bring myself to write dark thoughts and end it there. Even if I do not have a resolution, I feel this need to counter the darkness. Even if it’s a sliver, a miniscule glimpse of light, I’ll take it.
And so therein lies my problem at this moment. Have I seen the light? There are days when I am hopeful, more days that I’m not. Am I any close to any resolution? The physical exhaustion is relatively easy to remedy. The mental part, not so much. Especially when the resolutions depend on others. When I am at several crossroads, and yet waiting for others take their own journeys and seeing if our paths are truly meant to continue together or apart- that is the struggle. When my heart is torn and confused, when my brain threatens to explode from too much possibilities, none of which are completely desirable. I am stuck. And it is neither all darkness or all light: it is part darkened and part enlightened, and it is a most confusing state to be in.
So where do I go from here? One thing I realized during my hiatus: I need to write. I miss it. My heart needed the release, my thoughts needed to be poured out. And if I am going to be true about my flawed life, well, here I am, naked in my future unknown. Some answers have not yet been revealed, some lessons have not yet been learned. But my heart is open, and my love is true. And wherever life takes me, I draw on the grace of God and the courage of me. And for now, that is enough.