Flawed Fem

My Flawed Life as a Mother, Sister, and Daughter -To my Family, With fellow women, & In Christ.


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The End

How do you know it’s the end? How do you know it’s a new beginning? How do you know?

The death of a relationship is complex. When you’ve invested your heart, when you’ve bared your soul to someone, how do you suddenly stop? When your times were filled with endless laughter, when your beings were soothed by each other’s presence, how do you press the pause button and wait for the other to come back? When your routine involves a consistency, and the other decides to check out, how do you know if the magic will still be there the next time?

There are people who you can trust and have the assurance of a lifelong friendship. These people may be far, they may not be physically present. But your souls have been intertwined for life. Your hearts have been taken and kept in theirs. They treasure you as much as you do them. You finally see each other and there’s nothing but laughter, warm hugs, and loving glances. You have good memories of the past, and you create even better memories for the future.

Then there are people beside you, always with you. But you never know where you stand with them. Or you thought you knew, and then things change. Without a known reason. With no warning. With no provocation. And it makes you question life. It makes you wonder how much of your heart to open up again. How do you share your deepest pains and utmost joys to someone and then suddenly leave? How does one decide to love today and be indifferent tomorrow?

When life presents me with the end, an unexplainable end, my soul shatters. I am sad, I am nerved. I feel afraid, and I feel angry. When my conscience is clear, and my heart is pure, damning whispers and tempestuous lies seek to break me. When I care deeply and the other is careless, my being is shaken. And I hide: My heart cannot take another heartbreak. My open heart cannot bear another closed off door. The mind fucks, the on and offs, the judging eyes. I am sick of it all.

There is nothing good in the end. It takes my frail heart and crushes it. There is nothing good left in the end. It takes my soul to a dark and lonely place. An inevitable hole of numbness and ugliness.

So where do I go after the end? Where do I find a new beginning? It is easy for me to wander. In the hellhole. Indulge. In self-pity and self-doubt. And withdraw. Put on the brakes. Rest my weary heart. The hard part is the healing, to hold my head and heart higher than the forces that seek to put me down. To forge on, despite the ebbs and flows. Even as I now lay low and still, I must still go forth. To conquer the lies and seek souls of truth and integrity. To fight the temporary highs and find a real and lasting love. To be the light at the end of a hard long dark tunnel. To find peace in the end of an unworthy presence, and see clarity in the beginning of me.

~o~

In the more poetic words of Kesha/ Praying —

You bought the flames and you put me to through hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself. And we both know all the truth I could tell, I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell.”prayingkesha

 

 

 

 

 

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Love x10

So the hubs birthday and our wedding anniversary just passed. With two sick kids, it’s been low key. Both of us exhausted and cash strapped, a lavish 10 year anniversary seems unnecessary. But it would seem awful to not celebrate such a milestone, for surviving a decade with each other! (I kid. Or not. Haha.) So to commemorate this special time in our lives, I dedicate this post to the Man, the Dude- as I celebrate his birth and the bond we shared all these years.

According to tradition, the 10th year anniversary is referred to as Tin/ aluminum=flexibility. Modern times allude to the diamond=beauty and strength. This makes perfect sense to me- for any marriage to last 10 years a lot of patience and flexibility are required. And in being flexible the bond is strengthened and made more beautiful each day.

In the beginning, our ‘diamond’ shines bright. When we first met, we were enamored with each other, we bonded over our similar interests. I always tell people our first date was the best date of my life! A simple lunch date became an all nighter- we wanted to know as much as we could of each other. Even in our differences, we compliment each other. I.e. our idea of romance: In our relationship, I am the cliched romantic- love notes, random trinkets. I even framed our wedding poem. My man’s idea of romance is a little different. He likes to do things- Midnight runs for snacks and NYC commutes for dessert gifts. But the ones I am especially turned on to are the times when he does chores. You know, mundane chores like laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming. He thinks I’m weird, but I always say- who needs the sparkle of a diamond when you got the bright sparkle of dishes and floors?!

Time passed. We both evolved. We also both discovered opposing values. And with that comes conflicts, and change, and conflicts because of the changes. Our rosy beginning started to show its thorns (reference to “Every Rose Has Its Thorns” a fave song for us both:) The good times were great. But the hard times, they were very trying times. Some differences seem irreconcilable, some conflicts seem to have no resolution. Marriage is a relationship where you are committed to be close to someone. And that closeness is bound to produce sparks. Some become great fireworks, and some turn out to be destructive bombs. And in order to survive, bombs needed to be diffused: pride needs to be killed and in its place, grace.

Aah GRACE. I love that word. It is a word that holds so much beauty. But that beauty requires selfless compassionate love. And when you’ve been together for so long like we were, and you’ve seen each other’s ugliest, that is not an easy feat. It requires the willingness to embrace each other’s worlds. It also requires freedom and space, to allow each other room to grow, room to change. And therein lies the challenge for us. While one submits, the other resists. While one seeks new things, the other finds comfort in consistency. Most fights result from both of us insisting to be right, neither one willing to give in and give grace to each other, and to some extent, grace to ourselves.

But I wouldn’t be here writing about a 10 year anniversary if we haven’t survived, right? I can’t say we have it all figured out, but by the miraculous grace of God, we are still here. I quote from a fave movie, “I’d rather fight with you than make love to anyone else.” Despite all the hurdles, all the hurt, we have stayed committed to each other. I think we call that LOVE. And when I watch a scene from my fave tv show, where in the middle of their biggest fight, Jack started telling his wife what he loves about her-that hit me big time! Because that scene is my life- In countless fights my own beloved had uttered similar words of love to me. And I have done the same. Words of praise when we don’t like each other at the time. I think we call that GRACE. And somehow, when love and grace are present amidst turmoil, this marriage has lasted this long. 10 years. And hopefully for another 10…And more.

So to end this extremely cheesy post on an even cheesier note, I will expose my penchant for poetry. As per our tradition, I made hubs a poem this year. Please pardon the quality of the poem- It was written with very little sleep 😉 —

To My Dude,

There are times when my body feels drained
There are days when my head is wrapped in chaos
You feel my pain. You ease me.
On the times I don’t feel happy
On the days we don’t feel synced
You move forward. You push through.
Life with us is never easy
Love we share is never smooth
But this is us. This is we.
We are one. We are true. We are free.
I am the bones of your bones,
the flesh of your flesh.
Apart we are torn, together we heal
What God has joined together
Let no man put asunder.
So today on our special decade long love
Here’s to cuddles, neck rubs and heat wraps.
As our bodies grow frail may our souls grow strong
As our eyes grow dim may our hearts glow more.
My RomComs to your Freakshows
My Country to your Classic Rock
We doth share love for mosh and comiccons
And pledge to honor scifis till we grow old
For every difference lies a common ground.
For every conflict lies hearts that cries aloud-
I LOVE  YOU
— So here’s a happy anniversary to me and you
The Man The Dude The One
Here’s to a decade more of living
Less fights more love more spirit filled fun~